By Matt Myers
It's almost Spring Break, which can cause jerk fever, so I wanted to improve everyone's time on the hill a little bit by making all aware of the top jerkiest things people do. If YOU do any of these things, STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
This one goes out to all parents of 8-14 year old boys. This age groups makes up 89% of reported incidents from stats I just imagined. Only you can prevent your kids from being jerkwads to everyone on the hill. Someday the mountain might get 'em, but the law never will.
Lookit, this is different from just being those annoying people who stop in the middle of the grocery aisle or MUST walk arm-to-arm across an entire sidewalk in a big city. The difference here is that people are moving very fast, sometimes not under their own control, and your stopping and standing wherever you feel like it forces the rest of the mountain to dogpile itself trying not to run into you. It doesn't matter what's in your eye, who's texting, or how bad your legs hurt. Unless you are sitting in a chair somewhere, you jerkchickens need to make sure you're out of everyone's way at all times. Maybe it's the thin mountain air, but there are literally 1000s of people around you at Breck and Vail. You know this. Stop. It.
At the base area, there is usually some college kid making sure everything is all fair and balanced. But on the mid-mountain lifts, where they aren't checking tickets, people pretend they aren't being rude by going out of turn. No matter what lift on what mountain in what state, alternate who is next to go, you jerkstation.
I'm sure there's a name for this; I just can't think of it. Young snowboard pups, bodies facing downhill, grooming a four-foot path of their own shame. Cut this right out. If you can't hack it, unclip and walk down. Don't ruin the snow for others because you talk a big game and walk a small one. Flipping jerkstore.
The peeps at the top of the lift in that booth are cooler than you. They work at a frickin' ski resort, for the sake of Pete, but it can be a thankless job keeping you safe. So give a head nod, a salute, thumbs up, even a wave (just…just keep it to a simple wave; don't just go for it) and you are doing right. Or you could come down with jerkfluenza and infect everyone else and spoil a great day. Is that REALLY worth it?
Don’t stop and stand in the middle of a trail. You jerkweeds need to move to one side or the other. I'm talking to everyone who thinks I'm not talking to them. You're gonna get someone hurt, big time.
I mean, I just wouldn't. Cause you know where it's gonna end up. Jerry of the Day, sure. But also the Jerk Hall of Fame, that's where.
No matter how bad you bite it or need a tissue or are trying to find your glove, get out of the way when you dismount the chair lift. The reason doesn't matter. You know how sometimes the chair lift will slow down or stop? It's from jerkwagons like you jacking with the harmony of the rest of the mountain. So leave your jerkability back in the condo, bring a little toughness, and roll out of the way to adjust your sunglasses.
This is all it takes: "How's it going?" or "Thanks," after they scan your tickets or load you onto a chair. It's not hard. They like it. You get to be friendly. Okay, jerkwhistle?
I'm not going to ask you again. Bodies are moving fast and trees and chair lift towers ain't. Plus, they keep your head warm. And you can put stickers on them. Don't be a jerk of any size. Consider the above screenshot where I was going 48mph at Powderhorn on a BLUE RUN. Doesn't matter if you are standing still, if I hit you going that fast, no need to worry about the rest, jerkabilly. Cause you dead. Probably me, too.
If you have any respect for how difficult it was to get our weed law passed, just do it legal, for the love of Shiva. You can smoke it anywhere that is not public, so prove that you are worthy of all of your many many many argument papers in Comp I, that you are adult enough to handle it, and smoke in private, you first class jerktown.
Many of you get lazy and don't clean the roof of your car. Then you get on the highway, and it all flies off your car and onto someone's windshield. They swerve, and it's one of those Final Destination movies. Too many people have died this way (not sure how many have died, actually). So be a big girl or boy and do all of your chores before getting on the road, you big, honkin' jerkstick.
My man Dan always says, "If you're lucky enough to be in a canoe, you're lucky enough." And I feel this also works for skiing. EVERYONE'S feet are hurting. Beers are waiting for you at the bottom. So chill out, stop being a jerk, and have a good time.
Thanks to Jerry of the Day, where we got many of the photos. Check the full collection out on his twitter or instagram: @jerryoftheday.